Dear Diary: May 2020 The Depths

mental health millennial

This blog post was written in May 2020, I feel like it’s now right to post this. After sharing my IGTV on how I’d been struggling with my mental health last June, it allowed other people to open up and also share their struggles. I am sharing this to show how deep my darkness felt at times last year. This was written when I really was not okay. But with the support of my loved ones, taking baby steps and seeking professional help I am getting back to the Nicole everyone used to know. I have my spark back for things that always mattered to me, and that means more than anything. I have not taken any medication to get back on track, this is only what has personally worked for me.

May 2020

I feel like it’s really important that I write this. Whether I ever post it or not.

If you’ve been a reader here for a while you’ll know that I’ve touched on similar thoughts and feelings to this before.

The last 12 months have been the hardest, most mentally challenging of my life. As I write this I don’t even know how I’ve survived it in all honesty.

I’ve suffered from ‘feeling down’ in the past, but nothing so prolonged and nothing so hard that everyday has become a challenge to pull myself out of it. For so long I just keep thinking ‘what is wrong with me’. I go about life with a permanently fixed smile on my face. When asked if I’m okay my instant reaction is ‘I’m great thanks’.

Part of my stubbornness or denial is that I have never gone to the doctors. How I have almost had to be dragged there during lockdown. The day that I got back to my parents and all I could do was cry. I couldn’t stop. No one knew what was wrong with me. But I just couldn’t pull myself back from the depths. You’re sometimes the last person to notice and realise that it is actually something a little bit more than just a down day. No one did realise though. No one could see through my front. Except my best friend who was there for me through everything and my family. I will never forget.

How can I be surprised after the situational events that have occurred in the last 12 months. Anyone and I mean anyone would be spiralling into a great depression and hit rock bottom after what I have been through this last year on my own.

The assumption based on my Instagram feed is that I’m happy, successful, I have nice things, I do lovely things. I feel like a fraud. How can I sit there numbly posting cute captions and nice pictures when absolutely no one sees and understands the inner turmoil that is going on inside of me? It’s wrong.

Lockdown has not helped. It has been completely eye opening how people have shown their true colours, the ones that are supportive and absolutely there for you and then the ones that are the first to turn their back on you and have no ounce of care or sympathy when you have done nothing but only ever done your best.

As I feel like all I’m continuing to do is drift through the days one by one, week by week, month by month. The impending feeling of not knowing what I want from life and not knowing what I want is very much the elephant in the room that is simply stomping its feet and not letting me get on with life.

What do I want?

I used to be a career driven, ambitious, enthusiastic individual. I now have no enthusiasm for life, feel like I don’t enjoy anything and the thought of at least 40 years more of work is quite frankly fucking depressive. I don’t want to spend another day doing something I don’t enjoy. Will I ever find anything I enjoy?

The problem is until this chapter ends at this stage of my life I don’t think I can think clearly. I resigned from my job one month ago, I have nothing lined up.

My days are so hazy, I dread the mornings, I dread the evenings. The worst part is knowing getting into bed to go to sleep is the best part of my day at the moment and that fucking hurts me inside. I’m trying so hard everyday to take baby steps, even if I am 1% or 0.2% better than the day before. I’m swinging like a pendulum from the bottom of the earth to the top of Mount Everest. I just can’t seem to sustain a perfect equilibrium right now.

Mental health is hard. Accepting that you’re not well is hard. But my god, trying to get through the series of events in the last 12 months is what has got me here. I know that.

My head is not clear. It probably won’t be until my notice period ends. I don’t know what I want to do next.

The fear of the unknown and not knowing how I’m gonna pay my bills is the fucking worst, it is. But it was my decision and something I absolutely don’t and won’t ever regret doing. Feeling lonely everyday of my life despite being surrounded by so many people I love is earth shattering.

The world is suffocating me right now. I feel like I can’t breathe with everyone’s expectations, needs, those warranting responses from me is pressing down on me.

Unless you’ve been in this place you can try, but you’ll never understand. Saying ‘keep positive’ or ‘those flowers will cheer you up’ is like being hit in the face with a dead, wet fish. Those comments make me cry, if ONLY it was that easy. Because my god I’ve tried.

I don’t know the purpose of this post. I don’t.

Sharing my own raw, personal experience is putting myself out there, but talking about these struggles is what helps to normalise and make others feel less alone.

I KNOW what it’s like being in that place, my DM’s are always open. I’m literally here for anyone who needs to talk.

Each and every person on this planet is SOMETHING, something amazing worth fighting for everyday, however hard. You add value, your inner beauty, your character, your resilience, you never give up.

Each day is hard. My god, it’s hard right now. But even if it’s only that glimmer of light right now that flickers, you still know it’s there.

You might not know what you want from life right now. But don’t panic. It’s okay to feel like that. Stop pressuring yourself to know and want the answers NOW, that’s not how life works.

Your calling in life will come, you will get back to that happy place, you will start to find your enthusiasm again. You will come back stronger. You will enjoy the little things in life again. You will enjoy life again. Waking up in the morning with excitement will happen again.

You’re amazing, never forget that.