It’s OK to not be OK

I wrote the post you’re about to read back in November 2019. I saved it to my drafts and vowed never to post it, it’s too upsetting for me to read back. But, I now think it’s more important than ever to share it.

I have been completely overwhelmed by the response I have received to the video I posted on Instagram yesterday about not being honest with you and how I’ve really been feeling for the last 12 months, before reading this post you need to watch the IGTV first if you haven’t already.

This is a completely raw and personal post. It has not been edited since the day I wrote it after coming home from that coffee shop and realising I was not okay.

I am sharing this post to show you the real person behind the photos I post. I’m not hiding anymore.

How are you?

How many times have you replied to that question with ‘I’m great’ or ‘I’m really well thank you’, when really, you’re none of those things.

Because, you’re just not OK.

You can’t put your finger on the feeling or what’s causing it. When people ask you why you’re sad, you can’t possibly think why, or even provide an answer. So then you start trying to attribute a reason for your sadness.

Today I switched my working day up and started working from a coffee shop and tears starting rolling down my cheeks and I had to leave. I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Everyone was looking at me, I couldn’t wipe the tears away faster than they were falling.

I’ve had many low days and upsetting times in the last few years, but not something so prolonged as this where I literally don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

I dread waking up every morning. I can’t even get up. The best part is getting into bed at the end of the day, and even then, it’s only when I can actually sleep and turn my thoughts off for a second.

I am being pulled in every direction by so many things and people. I’ve taken on the emotional baggage and needs of other people. It’s so sad, but I’ve forgotten about me. It breaks my heart.

I’m trying to put this front on everyday, I’ve always been good at that as I’m a naturally positive and smiley person. I can’t even deal with the smallest criticism right now without it pushing me further over the edge. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I’m trying so hard.

The only way I can describe the last week is that I’ve been going through the motions of my daily life, floating through, as if I’m sat there watching my life play out but I can’t engage.

It’s got me thinking even more deeply about the fact that what we see on Instagram or social media is so fictitious that it’s not even funny.

I feel like a liar. Everyone else sees someone who is successful, with nice clothes, plenty of opportunities and attending lovely events. But no one sees the turmoil that’s going on inside of me.

There have been so many changes in my life this year but I just can’t put my finger on one specific thing that’s causing my sadness. The only way I can describe it is that I am surrounded by so many people I love but I just feel so alone.

I have an overbearing feeling of not knowing what I’m doing with my life, I feel like I don’t know what I enjoy doing anymore, what my purpose is and what I’m working towards and ultimately, when will enough be enough for me?

I have zero motivation, I have no idea where my zest for life has disappeared to and I just don’t know what the answer is and how I get back to that happy place.

The things that aren’t big things are feeling like such massive problems that are weighing me down.

I know I will be OK, but It’s important that I address how I’m feeling, talk to people about how I feel and make baby steps each day to overcome it.

All I do know is that I have brought myself back from situations like this before and I can do it again.

Whether it takes travelling for 6 months, moving away or just sleeping for a week straight then I know that will be the right thing for me to do at the time in order to come back stronger, with more motivation and determination to succeed.

Things are hard right now, but I need to remember that situations are temporary, things will be OK again, and if its not OK, it’s not the end.