I started writing this post without a title, because I knew what I wanted to talk about, but didn’t and couldn’t think what it should be categorised as. And I actually don’t think it needs to be.
So I guess this is actually what you just call a life update. I actually haven’t even thought about blogging for a while now, I feel like I have no passion for it like I once used to and it’s scary, because it’s been living in my heart and soul and taking up my evenings for 5 years and wow, what do I do now?
But tonight I just wanted to write and tell you what’s been going on because it feels like a lifetime since I last just wrote about something that I wanted to.
Up until last week I guess you can say I was just feeling overwhelmed. Completely and utterly overwhelmed with life. And it sucks.
Before I went away on holiday my grandma sadly passed away, and even though she’d been really poorly for a long time and it was expected, I’ve been feeling the sadness and grief wash over me for the last month.
It’s made me feel like that child again who used to cry so much in school because I missed my mum that they had to send me home. Because no word of a lie that actually used to happen. lol.
It’s the first death I’ve had to deal with for a long time and it’s just been really hard.
You think you’re OK and the next minute you’re thinking of everything bad that’s ever happened in your life, the world is as good as ending and you’re quite literally sitting in a puddle of your own tears.
I just felt lonely, not myself and down in the dumps, and my knee jerk reaction was to shut myself off from everyone. I don’t think I saw my friends for about 4 weeks and it probably was the worst thing I could have done.
It wasn’t until the start of last week that I started getting back into a routine and doing things that I love, the simple pleasures that I have in life. So I finally started to feel better in myself.
You don’t realise it, but grief stops you from loving the things you used to love and get joy from, and it’s getting back up from the depth to realise what you once loved which is the hardest part. Once you get a taste for it again that’s when you know that you’ll be just fine.
I’ve realised what a wonderful impact my Grandma had on my life and it’s something that I will hold onto forever. I was so glad that I got to tell her all about my new job and how delighted she was of me, she has been one of few who has understood and knows of the challenges it is to be a young woman climbing the career ladder in business. If anyone knows, it would have been her. And she listened, albeit she could talk for England, but she always listened to what you had to say.
Even until the end she always asked about the clothes I was wearing and commented on them, I don’t think she ever understood what a blog really was, but she loved hearing about the free clothes I got sent (remember that, nah me neither) and somewhat tried to get her head around it. She was a millennial grandma after all and she always tried to keep up with it.
So now I remember the good times because I have to. Grief is a horrible thing and it can sometimes feel like a veil of dementors leaving you in a heap on the floor, but life goes on, and I’m more focused on my job than ever, and coming back to blogging/youtubing is what keeps me busy, happy and focused on something other than feeling sad.
So, in the words of my grandma, I’ve just got to keep breaking that glass ceiling…