2017 was the year of self love and happiness for me. I’d spent ages searching for it. Something that I thought only depended on myself. If I’m not happy then it’s my fault, right?
I’ve had some pretty low moments this year. Whenever I feel low I blame myself, I pick at myself, my flaws bubble to the surface and I compare. We all do it.
But something that has only just clicked with me recently is that my happiness is determined by those people I surround myself with. Every self help book tells you it, but you brush past it. It’s the ulcer you know is there, but you can’t be bothered to treat it. So you let it lie. Until it comes back again.
When people cancel. I think it’s my fault. I let it happen time and time again, yet I still let them back into my life. Only to happen again. When will I learn? When will I acknowledge that my good nature is abused and hung out to dry. That these people do not deserve me.
This weekend made it all too apparent to me that I can’t continue like this anymore. Being there and making myself available to people that don’t give a shit if they’ve ‘accidentally’ double booked. Only to let you know an hour before. That’s always nice. But it’s never been the first time.
It may have taken me the whole year to reevaluate what makes me happy and what makes me not so happy. But I’m here now, and these are the friends I’ll be leaving firmly in 2017…
We all cancel. Sometimes we have to, I’ll only ever cancel if I’m ill and I totally understand when people are ill too, it can’t be helped.
But I’m talking about the serial canceller. The one that asks YOU if you want to do something, you don’t even bother making the first move anymore because you know what it leads to.
It doesn’t just happen once. You get excuses, lies and sometimes you won’t even get a response until the next day. Shame. You’d already turned up at the place at 10am the day before like you arranged.
How does that make you feel?
It makes you feel pretty shit. Firstly, you’ve got no time to rearrange and make other plans, charming. You’re questioning whether they’ve dumped you for better plans (always a contender) and are you actually a person people want to spend time with? Are you even likeable? Do people even like you?
It continues. The canceller has been the biggest thing in my life this year and it makes me feel worse EVERY single time.
But this time I won’t be going back. I’ve had enough. I’ve identified this as being the biggest thing that makes me feel sad, and I’m not letting it happen anymore. Those friends can stick their plans, because I’m not being that person that’s cancelled on anymore.
I’m done with being second best all the time.
The Me Me Me
I like to think I’m a good listener, but also a good talker. I love to ask a lot of questions as I’m a very inquisitive person, I’d always rather talk about someone else than myself.
But what happens when it becomes completely one sided? The friend that only ever talks about themselves, the amazing things that have been happening, the places they’ve been, and you’re happy for them. But have they once asked how you are? No.
There’s also a fine line between being really happy for your friend that they’re achieving all these great things, but when it’s done in a way when everything is about them, you start evaluating in your life what you have achieved. You compare yourself, which instantly makes it become an unhealthy relationship, and it only spirals down from there.
I’ve met A LOT of people who fall into this camp over the years and they never stay around for long. If a friendship isn’t a two way thing and brings you down rather than lifting you up it’s time to let it go.
The One Who Never Replies
I’m 100% holding my hands up here and saying that sometimes I completely forget to reply. In fact one of my good friends I met through blogging, we take at least 1 month to reply to each other because we actually send essays to each other. But we both get it, there isn’t anything pressing.
If it’s a question, or some form of message that needs a reply and you get nothing, it’s the worst. When they eventually reply you message back straight away, only to then have nothing for 4 more working days.
Messages take 10 seconds to send. No one is too busy or important to not message you back, stat. You are and should be important enough to deserve a response back.
The ‘I’ve been so busy’ excuse is frankly pathetic. Cos WE ARE ALL BUSY. We all have jobs, we all have commitments, we all have different friends, but we find time for it.
Finding time in a day to reply to a friend is part of the friend package. And if you don’t have that, then it’s frankly not worth it.
It’s time for me to stop being ‘so nice’ and take the bull by the horns, so to speak. I don’t have time for people that don’t have the time for me anymore. Everyone’s time is deserving, when time really is so precious.
There’s nothing I hate more than negativity, but sometimes these things just have to be aired. If anything, just for myself. With every cleanse though comes a fresh start, and I think by getting away from people that bring me down it will allow me to push my happiness into the spotlight next year.
Remember, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Your friendships have to bring out the best in you and encourage you to always be the best version of yourself.
Just a thought.