Once upon a time it used to take me 10 minutes to get to work in the mornings, I could wake up at 7am and have a confident 30 mins scrolling through my Insta stories before I even had to think about making myself look less than half dead. Once upon a time was roughly 6 months ago for me.
LOL. Imagine the above. Until some guy came along and thought it would be a good idea to do a bunch of roadworks for 18 months on the busiest road in Plymouth, yippeee. What could go wrong they say?
In total I have spent maybe 7 hours per week sat in my car, not moving. Sometimes 1 hour at a time. For a 20 minute journey. PITY ME. That is 7 episodes of Narcos, almost a full sleep, A PLANE TRIP TO New York. I know what I’d rather be doing…
But HEY, if you catch my drift, you can probably totally relate to these things when you’re just not moving..
1. You’ve already been stationary for 15 minutes and the traffic report says ‘traffic is moving fine through *insert town/area/location*’. Like LOL I’m not moving mate. You practically scream at the man who says otherwise. Your’e not even here though. You even consider ringing the number to put the story straight, until you realise you can’t text and drive, even when not moving.
2. Heart. Radio. Heart. Radio. You’re switching the channels more than Jess from Love Island pops up a paid ad on Insta. You know the drill, as soon as there’s talking and adverts you’re switching faster than Usain Bolt.
3. You’re sure you left in the pitch black at 6am, except you’re certain that the sunrise has already happened whilst you’ve been sat there in your car. Have I really not moved for 2 hours? No you haven’t.
4. When cars try to cut in by skipping the traffic – NOT ON MY WATCH BITCHES. You clutch control so close to the car in front as humanely possible to stop anyone cutting in and stealing you edging forwards by 5m. But HEY, if you want to cut in, you almost burst an artery with rage when no one does and start shaking your head in the hope they look back in their rear mirror. How rude?
5. You drive past the same builders or whatever they’re called doing the road works every day. Never doing any work. You drive slowly past them each day, properly giving them the death stare. Do they ever do any work tho? You even consider shouting at them, fancy holding 548368 people up every day.
6. As you’re edging closer to work, you think of all the stories and traffic tales you’re going to bore your colleagues with. Like do you even go to work if the first 20 mins aren’t spent talking about traffic tho? Probs not.
7. You start to think if quitting your job because the traffic sucks is a valid reason to quit. The mini breakdowns you have in the car every day are taking their toll, you always say you’ll drive a different way, but you never learn your lesson, course you aint coming in a different way.
8. The worst bit about being stuck in traffic? You can’t check your phone. You’re chomping at the bit to check how many Insta likes your latest post has got, probably none, but STILL.
9. You long for the school holidays, and traffic is the only way you actually know when those school holidays are happening’. Empty roads, 7am wake up calls, stress free journeys – please stay. But if there is roadworks LOL, sorry not for you. You realise that the most exciting event coming up in your schedule is the date the roadworks finish, and you’re really not sorry about that. Roadwork free trips to work over a getaway to the Malia Strip any day.
Can you relate to any of these?