I’m starting the month with yet another post dedicated to Instagram, the social platform of the moment, and hey if ‘they’ see this they might even give me that nifty swipe up function, or not. I’m quivering between 2960 and 3000 followers and I am on tenterhooks. In the last few months I’ve done everything from how to get regrammed by big brands on Instagram to tips for perfecting the perfect flatlay of food – I live, sleep, breathe and eat Instagram, and I’m sure a lot of you can relate.
The people at Instagram have made every effort for us to hate and loathe it more, but I still find myself running back at every excuse like the ex boyfriend you really can’t get rid of. If you can identify with at least 4 out of the 8 signs here you may as well just hand your life over to Instagram for good, there’s no going back.
#1. It’s Your 7am Newspaper
In the olden days it was about a coffee and fag with The Guardian for brekkie, or even a good dose of the Tweenies with your bowl of coco pops. Whilst you devour your perfectly poised avo on toast or stack of cold pancakes, Instagram is your daily news feed. You’ve already got a direct debit going out to ASOS, the latest gossip on your top bloggers and 30 minutes of time you’ll never get back. But it’s what we do, what we’ve always done and we couldn’t dream of doing our 7am wake up call any differently.
#2. You Buy Things Based On The Grammability
Lol. Imagine buying a bag just for Instagram and then never using it again. Who would do that? Like no, YOU bought a pair of shoes just for Instagram and still haven’t worn them. I’m looking at you pom pom heels from ASOS.
After all, fashion is fast these days. Why not buy into the latest item going around the influencer sphere and get your share in the Instagram likes too? You start believing in the Instagram commandments that you didn’t even know existed, thou shalt not buy items that don’t have cute slogans that get me.
#3. Instagram IS YOUR Travel Trip Advisor
You rate your local restaurants and hotels on the insta-factor, aint nobody got time for travel trip advisor, for actual words and reviews. If it looks good on paper, ticks all the boxes then you’re sold.
#4. You Watch The Views On Your Insta Story Like A Bird Watches Its Prey
Watching the views on your Insta stories is legit better than watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle in your Jim jams. It’s like ‘Oooo I wonder who’s gonna come looking today?’ 5 months on – do these people still not realise I can see that they’ve had a little snoop, v cute.
The ex boyfriend from 5 years ago and your brothers, girlfriends cousins even had a look, jealousy is a bitch, right? In between all this, you’ll check your views ‘almost’ as regularly as the likes on your latest post. Oh, and what’s snapchat?
#5. Insta Track Is Your Daily Jam
The day you download Insta Track to your phone, there’s no going back. This app will slowly suck your soul from you like a dementor. If you don’t download it, you’ll always be wondering who your fans are (who follows you, but you don’t follow back) and who you’re following but has already unfollowed you WTF I DONT EVEN LIKE HER PHOTOS, I WAS ONLY FOLLOWING HER BECAUSE SHE FOLLOWED ME, GOD DAMN YOU.
This will happen every time you refresh that lovely little list. Seeing your follower count drop more than it goes up is really damn nice too.
#6. You Refer To ‘The Gram’ and ‘The Feed’ In real Life Conversations
The distinction between real life and your online Instagram life is distorted, they merge. You’re out with your friends drinking coffee and before you know it you’ve dropped the G or the F bomb. You forget that ‘normal people’ don’t know what the Gram or the feed is.
It’s very much like ‘that picture would ruin my feed’ or ‘doing it for the gram’. But let’s face it, everything we do is for the gram <3
#7. Checking likes
You posted a new picture on Instagram 2 minutes ago and you’ve already refreshed the likes 20 times, YOU STILL ONLY HAVE ONE LIKE. It’s all down to that god damn algorithm, so you keep refreshing the likes and don’t do anything until you’ve hit at least 11. You’re safe then.
#8. Caption Writing Takes 20 Minutes
Caption writing almost takes as long as picking ‘the one’ from 50 of the same photos, almost impossible. Gone are the days of posting one word and 50 emojis, it’s all about handing over your soul to the devil on the platform now. Those chunky captions are where it’s at, the wittier the better.
Can you relate to any of these?