I mean I DO love waking up somewhere different every morning on a cruise, having my crumbs brushed off the table and donning a different ball gown every night, but needs must, and this girl bought a house this year.
So, this summer I went on my first all inclusive holiday, as an adult. I didn’t know what to expect except England tops, tattoos, multicoloured desserts and the fear of getting food poisoning that was almost stopping me from getting on that plane, almost. English people flock to all inclusive holidays every year, because HELLO free food and alcohol for a whole week, your clothes won’t fit when you return, but you gave it your all.
I actually had a really good time, but the lack of pink walls had me freaking out and I am laughing so much at these 10 things that literally only happen on an all inclusive holiday…
#1. The Judgement At Dinner Time
Yes, I only want to have Pizza and Chips for tea every night like a child, and wot? You hate waiting in the queue when you know you only want the pizza, like a school dining hall EVERYONE who is everyone looks up from their table and peers at your plate when you walk past, even the kids. You hold your plate up higher each time so no one can judge you on your eating habits.
Just FYI, pizza and chips after a whole week will nearly send you over the edge.
#2. No One Dresses Up
LOL. At least I didn’t buy 7 nice new dresses for the holiday. Helps you cut down on your suitcase space, because why not just wear the neon bikini and see through kaftan you did to the pool all day, cuts down on washing when you’re home too.
So all inclusive holidays are NOT like cruises, wear your rags down to the buffet in the evening and less people will gawp at you than when you wear that cute new dress from Topshop.
#3. Sunbed Runs
Apparently people miss their 6am alarm at home so much that they just let it run through. Hmm I know what 6am is perfect for on holiday, reserving the sunbeds. The sunbeds we won’t actually use until 12pm.
The same family hogs the same sunbeds for the whole holiday, a bit like how cats territorially wee on their walls to show it’s theirs.
#4. You Forget What Hunger Feels Like
Well, you gotta get your money’s worth, right? You eat everything, you eat because you can, and you almost certainly can’t remember what it’s like to feel hungry. Wait, people don’t eat until they’re hungry?
That will be one full stack of pancakes every breakfast followed by all the pastries, oh and no fruit, don’t be silly. Plate of fries every lunchtime, has to be finished with something sweet. You’ll then snack some more and come dinner time, your dessert has to be at least 4 cakes because, let’s face it, why bother else?
#5. Welcome Rep Meeting
Oh the welcome meetings? Yep, except you never go to those. Why do you need to be told what to do on an all inclusive holiday WHEN THERE IS NOTHING OUTSIDE THESE FOUR WALLS. Skip the chat and reserve those sunbeds before anyone else does.
#6. All Day Drinking
Excuse me, but I didn’t think I was staying on the strip of Malia with my mates for a week. If there’s something Brits love more than junk food, it’s alcohol. The bar opens at 10am and shuts and midnight, and they’ll be sat there out in the sun with their beer and fag for the duration. Every. day. for.a.whole.week. You might even get to hear your neighbour being sick in the night too. You’re just praying it’s not something they ate in the restaurant…
#7. You Don’t Leave The Resort For The Entire Stay
There is nothing. You don’t remember reading that there was nothing to do within 167490 miles of the resort. I mean, take your pick from the offering of 3 English bars and a Chinese restaurant.
The only thing to do is sunbathe, swim and eat for the whole week. The most cultural thing about an all inclusive holiday in Spain is the rice pudding for the dessert. That was probably tinned.
#8. You Go To Bed at 10pm
If you like evening entertainment like they have on Benidorm then crack on. If not it’s back to your room by 10pm, because you forgot there wasn’t anything else to do here. Maybe you’ll watch sky news again or watch everything you downloaded from Netflix before you went away. Or most probably you’ll fall asleep by 10pm because sunbathing and eating all day kinda takes it out for you.
#9. ‘That’ Wristband
The wristband that a) grants you all your food and drink for the week b) ruins all your outfit photos (like NO that is not a cute green bracelet) and C) looks like you discharged yourself from the local hospital (plz see photo above). I hope to god people do not leave these on like people do with festival wristbands, because v ugly.
#10. The Sunburn
Apparently English people have not heard of sun protection, because come 8pm in the ‘canteen’ – you can’t tell the difference between your sachet of Tommy K and the lady from 2 tables down face. Ouch.
If you didn’t get sunburn on holiday did you even go on an all inclusive holiday though?